If you follow Angie Smith's blog, or Beth Moore's blog, you may have seen them writing on a group of bloggers going to India. Angie Smith (wife of Todd Smith of Selah...you MUST read her blog, it is wonderful) and Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick (Beth's daughter) are in India with several others for Compassion International. I need to go. I need to be impacted like they are by the realities of this world. I am closed up here in my tidy little world. I worry about my weight, my hair, my clothes, my home, my friendships, my kids, my finances, etc. In a world where people are impoverished and are thankful for food, for shelter, and for health-wretched as it all may be-I should be ashamed of my own selfishness. And I am. Mostly I am ashamed of how closed off my mind is. How it is utterly filled with thoughts of self. MY happiness. MY contentment. MY needs. MY wants. Puke. It is all sickening. If for one moment I could smell and see and taste the despair of people who need Christ then per chance I could really know true contentment. Like in my heart...deep within...contentment. Or perhaps it would cause me to despair of my own wretchedness all the more. Or maybe it would change my life forever and Keith and I would pack it all in and give it all up to go ANYWHERE for the cause of Christ. I mean, Little Rock Arkansas? Sure...we gave some precious things up to come here. But it ain't India folks. I don't know the first degree of counting the cost. Well, maybe a degree. It hurt like nothing else to leave behind our precious friendships. But...otherwise...it is all only stuff...a house, a church, a job. It was dipping in our toe to the waters. I long to go deeper. I pray God allows us...entrusts us....to go deeper. I am willing to shed this stuff. Stuff is heavy. Stuff is a burden. Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for my stuff...mostly. I just don't want my stuff to matter more than obedience. I realize I need a change of perspective and I'd rather God NOT have to give it to me via pain and suffering. I would rather choose to see things differently via His giving me the opportunity to know life outside of these four walls. SO...Lord, this is my prayer...that You will open a door for me to see You in a new light and that You will open the doors to go deeper with You into the water sweet Jesus.
Love you all~M.