There is so much welling up in my spirit. When I get overloaded with burdens...and lately the burdens feel heavier than usual...eventually my soul gives way to this: there is so much more God in this place than I am seeing. And I want to really see God.
But eyes get bleary with worry. And worry capsizes faith and eventually I am drowning in my own self pity. And I come to realize that my worry centers around my stuff and how my stuff owns me and clutches my heart. And I don't want to be owned by anything or anyone. I want to be free. Free to be His. Fully. Free to serve and free to go. And I'd put the "FOR SALE" sign up right now on all this stuff if I could. Then I am struck with the reality that we need some of this stuff. I guess. We need food. Clothes. Shelter. How much though?
"...give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God." (Prov 30:8b-9)
A life grows weary carrying unnecessary burdens. And so much of what I carry feels self-imposed. Debt. The sin of wanting more than I need and more than God has provided. A heavy burden. Diet. The sin of wanting to be thinner, prettier, accepted. Combined with the sin of gluttony and using food as an idol. A poor substitute for sitting at Jesus' feet waiting to be filled. Selfishness. Always wanting what I want. Being focused on my own emptiness. Again...a sure sign of not waiting at the Savior's feet.
But, He beckons me. He reminds me... You are not unloved. Or unforgiven. And if Rahab was a prostitute, David a murderer, Peter denied Me, Jonah ran away, Noah a drunk, Elijah depressed, Jacob a liar, Gideon fearful, and Martha a worrier...then I am able to use you. And were their problems self-induced? Oh yes. Then why do I see God as less in my life than in theirs? Why is the Word of God so full of the broken and yet I do not have hope? Why is His story the story of redemption and yet I feel unworthy?
Lord, how do I live this life with all its necessary encumbrances...like food, clothing, and shelter and yet not steal from You? From the poor? From the widowed and orphaned? How do I own my things with a lightly held hand instead of a clinched fist? O Lord, move us out of this place of complacency and a clutched heart. Help us be courageous and do things that make no sense to the world. I have had my fill of the world and it leaves me painfully empty.
You are in this place. Lord, let me see.