You make my heart overflow. And out of that overflow I really want to live. I really want to know You more. I want so much more of You and so much less of this world. This world is choking me. This house. This stuff. These bills. These wants. These worldly desires. Choking. Binding. I see myself serving two masters. Many masters. And when there is another beside You then You are not my God at all. I could sacrifice myself on the altar of the world, I am sad to say. But I cannot sacrifice my sons. The thought that my sons would be lukewarm Christians that You would spit out of Your mouth makes me awaken from sleep...makes my stomach churn. Can they really see You in this home? Amid choices I wish we'd never made...video games, television. Wasted hours of their lives. How can I grow men who love You with their whole heart by simply telling them they should? What love is that? What love is there that doesn't make sacrifices? Painful sacrifices that cost something. Comfort. Desires. Choices.
These boys are Yours, Lord. They are from the depth of my being. I want nothing more than for them to really love You. I don't want them to struggle like I have. Struggle to understand Your love. Struggle to not carry around yesterday's mistakes. Struggle to understand and extend grace. Struggle with the world. The choke-hold of the world. Wanting to be rich. Wanting to be famous. Wanting to be thin, handsome, accepted by the world's cruel standard. I want the life they have lived when they leave this home to already be so God-wrapped that they know nothing else. But God, how can that be when we are so awash in life's cares?
Our life looks very much like our neighbors'. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe having a good marriage, six sons, homeschooling, living a missionary's life is all very foreign to my neighbors. They have as much as told me so. Maybe they see us loving You Lord. Have they? Have we loved them well Lord? Have they heard me losing my temper with the boys in the yard? Have they seen me angry with my husband? Are they comforted that, in fact, I am human. Sinful too. Forgiven? Do they see the difference? Lord, I want to be different. I don't want to fit in quite so well. It doesn't have to be in sack cloth and ashes Lord. I know it. More joy. More peace. More love. That would look different. But Jesus. Has Jesus come flowing from my life? My mouth? My heart?
This life is short, Lord. People are dying. Sons. Daughters. Loved ones. Lost. Not just to death...but to hell. Parents who didn't care enough to lead their children to the cross. Life is too busy. They aren't sure You are there and they are too busy hunting down life's pleasures to figure it out. How can we be too busy to lead our loved ones to the cross? HOW? And how can Christian parents think that we can take them to church, homeschool them, pray at meals and consider it done? How can we be hypocrites who white wash the cup when all the while the inside is filthy?
Oh God, forgive me for being this parent. For being lazy and idle and full of self and world. Too busy to lead them to the cross. Too scared to lay down the things that hold us back. To timid. Too cowardly. Lead us Lord. Take us further on. You have been so faithful. SO faithful. I love You, Lord. I know You love my boys more than I do so please cover my weakness with Your amazing grace. Your grace is sufficient for all I lack. Praise You. Praise You. Only because of Jesus can I ask, Amen.