Sunday, February 6, 2011

Checkin' Out

I have been really down lately. As in depressed. Hormones can take me places I don't want to go and really don't want to stay. And I don't know if it is hormones or Satan or Satan using my hormones. I just know it stinks. I hate feeling this way and more than that...I hate taking my husband through it with me. He has no choice. It is in that better or worse clause. :)

But in hashing it out with my man (something that takes more courage than you can dream for me...I do not communicate verbally well at all and I loathe shedding tears even in front of Keith. I hate that. I do. And I don't know why I am like that.) I came to some conclusions. I am not in a good place and it is going to take some drastic changes to get me out of here.

The first step is I have to fast from my technology. At first I thought just Facebook. But it isn't just Facebook. It is blogs too. And websites. I mean, I am not looking at anything I shouldn't be. I am just using my computer as an escape from my life. And there is balance there. A stay at home, homeschooling mom of 6 boys needs a little escape. But, I am escaping to it way too much. And worse than that, I am escaping from God. Instead of getting in His Word and bathing my mind in truth, I get on Facebook and sink lower into my pit. Facebook is a challenge for me. It allows me to compare myself with other women and that is NOT a good thing.

And as much as God has allowed me to learn all this new stuff about nutrition and such I am spending way too much time reading up on all of that. And it depresses me too! I can only do so much. I can only afford so much. And I have bitten off PLENTY of that for now. I love what I have learned but it is enough for now.

And I am reading about 25 blogs more or less daily. Yes, daily. Doesn't take me long. They aren't long. They don't all post everyday. But come on...25 blogs. Enough. I don't even know all these blinkin' people! Some are nutrition blogs, some recipe blogs, some friends' blogs, some blogs I have gotten involved in because a friend says, "Pray for so and so" and I get hooked wanting to know how life is going for that stranger. It isn't that I shouldn't pray for them but for pete's sake...I DON'T KNOW THEM! I don't think I need to peek into their lives daily or more than a few times daily. And believe it or not...I have a sensitive spirit and if I learn of someone hurting, I hurt too. Then I am carrying around a hurt and that can be too much quite frankly. I mean, it is a great tool that we can, with a push of a button, send a prayer request out for millions of people to pray for but then again, it is too much. At least for me. There is so much hurt right here around me. And if I start carrying every burden put out on FB or blogs...well, let's just say...this girl can't.

So, I am calling a halt. I will need to check e-mail and get online to place my Azure order and such...but I am going to have Keith help me figure out when and how long I can do that. I don't think it was a coincidence that I pulled the shrink wrap off of my new Colossians Precept study today and that it said this:

"As you begin this twelve-week course on the book of Colossians, stop and count the cost. If you don't do it now, you will not be prepared for Satan's subtle allurements, devices, distractions, deceptions, and discouragements (emphasis mine) which will slip in to keep you from completing this study. Are you prepared to say no to those activities and desires that would keep you from your homework or class attendance? Are you willing to forego some pleasures of this world for the treasures of His Word?(again, emphasis mine) To what degree do you want to obey God by studying to show yourself approved unto Him so that you won't be ashamed when you see Him face-to-face?"

Shew. Come on. God has spoken to me. Please hear me. I DO NOT think Facebook or blogs or websites are evil. I have just fallen prey to making them an idol. And I need to tell God...I am all His...He is all mine. And my boys need more of me. Ugh. More. I don't feel I have more to give... I just know they need more. So God is going to have to supply. I am thinking He has asked for 12 weeks. Yes. 12 weeks. Oh my. I don't know if I will blog here or not. Perhaps. But I cannot allow myself to read others' blogs right now. I will miss it but oh how I pray I miss Him less. Love you all! M. (your comments here will go to my email box!)


John and Janel Breitenstein said...

Go for it, Melissa--so glad you're listening to the Holy Spirit. Praying for deep joy for you right now. Hugs.

Tracey said...

How amazing that you are willing to be so very transparent. I applaud you for hearing God's voice above all others and being obedient. I will pray for you. You might also pray about practicing the spiritual discipline of fasting. You could fast from a particular item rather than all food. Just a thought. And for the record I think you are very wise to step away - I am seeing this as a major stumbling block for many women. Soap operas used to be the it's the blogosphere. May the Lord show Himself to you in a very real way. Big Hug, Tracey

Dena said...

Love your guts and will miss your wit. One of my most favorite things about you is your willingness to live your life transparently to the world. Oh, how I will never forget that first MomLink when I heard you speak. You are an unique treasure. I will pray the Lord will fill you completely with Him. So many women struggle with comparing themselves to others. Melissa, there is no comparison. You are a rock star. I will also pray the Lord will open your eyes to the beautiful creature He made in you.

ftmomma said...

will be thinking of you as I am in my own (first) precept study right now too! It is Isaiah. Loving it!! I will be thinking about what you shared here too. The snow day we had from our Bible Study meeting last Tuesday did not help me stay on track. It is the littlest things that can slow us down sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Love you my friend. I have been there. Praying for you and the family. Praying God speaks to your heart and that you can find shelter in His wings. Know you are loved.

Jennifer said...

Good for you sis. Clear your mind, take a break. When I was in design school one of my professors said, "Sometimes you must eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak." Jim calls it life's "noise". Turn down the noise so that you can start hearing what is important to you. Love you. xoxo Jen

Julie said...

good words. Looking forward to hearing the end results.

Bonnie said...

Just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and praying for you. I had missed seeing your facebook posts and just now read this blog. I love how you are so open and honest with all you post. I hope God has brought you through the "dark" time and that you have been experiencing his great joy!
Love and hugs,

MyFairLadies said...

I am just reading this today after visiting with you this morning. I pray God has met you in these weeks of being more fully HIS!

Thanks for your honesty. I am glad you're my friend!