Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Yes, Lord

There is a lot on my mind...my heart really. And it used to be when things were on my mind/heart that I would blog. But as you can see, I seldom blog anymore. I don't know why except that when I want to write out the words for you to see...they just won't come. Or perhaps they are too personal. And honestly, I am a very private person. Just ask my husband. He comes to my blog just to figure out what is brewing inside this head of mine. It isn't that I don't share with him...he just knows I am not saying all that is going on with me. I am churning it. I am struggling with it. I am unsure of it. And I don't particularly like being vulnerable. I mean, who does? Well, I take that back. We all know someone whom we met only briefly and we heard their life story instantly. Um...awkward...hello. But anyway, I digress. :)

So...do you want to know something very personal about me? The biggest thing always on my mind is surrender. Waving the white flag. Saying to God, I surrender. You can have me. ALL of me. In fact, at the True Woman Conference a couple weeks ago, they handed out white hankies with the words, "Yes, Lord!" embroidered on them. We were to wave these hankies in the air anytime we felt the Lord talking to us. It was rather powerful. "Yes Lord...you can have my time. My money. My home. My marriage. My...children. My...um...well....um...urgh...ah....womb, Lord." Oh there it is. The last thing I want to give the Lord. You see, just because Keith and I have six kids does not, unfortunately, mean we have laid this fertility thing freely at His feet. You see, it wasn't until K and I were married and had two or three kids that we even entertained the idea of giving God control over our fertility. We had never even heard of such a thing. But, once we heard of it...we knew God wanted something from us. And in between there and six kids...we have given it to him...and taken it back....and given it to him and taken it back. You get the idea. It has been a wrestling match between our flesh and our spirits...or His spirit I should say. I mean, clearly all other Christians are not wrestling with this. They have their 2.5 children, seal the womb and call it finished. I am assuming (a dangerous thing to do) that they feel at peace with this. I mean, I do hear of women who woefully regret sealing their chances for more kids but I know equally as many women who don't. And I struggle with this.

"Lord, why can't I be at peace with 2.5 kids....or um...6 kids? Why do others 'get' to have closed wombs but You want me to surrender mine? I mean, come on Lord, I am not a great mom. I am not a great anything Lord. I screw this up constantly. I struggle with anger and impatience and discontent. I lack the discipline I need. I fail to respect my husband like I should. You really don't want someone like me to raise more children Lord." The answer comes back silent. I think it is as if the Lord is saying...."I have already spoken child. And I WILL NOT speak one more thing to you until you can obey Me on this one point." "REALLY LORD? Has Thou REALLY said?"

Does this sound familiar? I mean, if you are a reader of the Word at all you have seen people who from the dawn of time, literally, have questioned what the Lord CLEARLY told them. I always thought as a child that Gideon was a man of faith laying out that fleece. But he was faithless. He heard God. God was clear. But Gideon demanded a sign...two signs actually. And God, endless in forbearance, obliged. And Gideon obeyed. You see, I am no better than Gideon. I want a sign. I want more confirmation. And God sends His confirmation all the time. But I refuse to see. I am hoping for another sign. One that gives me what I want! One that allows me to have more ease. (Or so I tell myself.) But I promise, there is no ease in disobedience. Or in delayed obedience. But I must say, I am thankful for that forbearing God who waits.

So you see...just because I have six kids does not mean I am more spiritual or patient or saintly or something. My flesh is not different than yours. Having children may be a blessing but it is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The weight of this job NEVER leaves my shoulders. I mostly feel like a failure at it. I desire for my kids to know and love the Lord so mightily and the weight of that is so heavy. I want to do all that I can do to show them Christ crucified and glorified. But I am flesh. Ugly, sinful flesh. It takes a mighty Savior to save this mighty sinner. And perhaps that is it. Perhaps God can get me no other way. He wants my surrender. All of me. I still don't understand why ALL of me is so literal when for others it seems so figurative...but then again, I am a very literal person. I couldn't possibly say what God requires of anyone else when it has been such a struggle for me. All I can say is this...whatever God asks...you better do it. Um...I better do it. Yes, Lord. (Even a feeble Yes, Lord will do!)


Danielle said...

M- I love this. I hear your heart. Where you are is not an easy place to be, but it is where God wants us. How else can we know His heart unless we are seeking His Word and dialoguing with Him in prayer?
The last 3 years for me have been one season of discipline to the next. (The Word says He loves me, and I struggle to see that love most of the time.) The womb is a cultural bombshell in the church. I love how you state that some see the Word figuratively and you see it literally. IT IS LITERAL! To think otherwise is to believe something from the very pit of hell.
I stand with you on the "failure" parenting thing. Funny, but I had not read this before posting my comment on FB. I love how God has placed us in His family of sisters, daughters, moms, to encourage, rebuke, teach, come along side, and love. When our internal dialogue is drowning out His Spirit, our hearts are not yielded to be disciplined in His Word, God uses His children to point us to Him. God has used you in my life in that way. I praise Him for that! And I will be praying for God's will for you....and secretly an announcement of a G7...... :)

Anonymous said...

I love your heart and willingness to share! Surrender is on my heart every day as well. I ponder it's meaning...what it's calling me to do. Nailing the flag to the mast of the ship, waving my hanky..etc. I am a super-duper mom failure too. I think I ask forgiveness each day to the boys.

We have given our womb over and God has given us two boys. I pray for more often. I long for more often. Just know that He is Sovereign over the womb!

I am thankful for our time together at True Woman! It was so great to sit and learn together!

Praying for you in this challenge and struggle. Wave that flag friend!

ftmomma said...

love when you blog friend!

Natasha said...

Why is it, whenever you post, I feel as if God gave you a message to share with me. Everything you wrote here is how I feel. I often wonder why God would bless me with all these children so I can screw them up when so many better people struggle to get even one. I am so heavily burdened by my desire for my children to know and love the Lord. I am burdened by the past and who my own mother was and the fear that I am just like her, short tempered, screaming and unhappy that I think I make myself those exact things.
And really, it all does come down to surrender and my desire for control. God and I wrestle about this on a daily basis. I feel that if I could just feel in control it will all be okay.
Thank you for your heart. Thank you for sharing your private thoughts, it has helped me so very much on a day where I needed some serious help