There is a lot on my mind...my heart really. And it used to be when things were on my mind/heart that I would blog. But as you can see, I seldom blog anymore. I don't know why except that when I want to write out the words for you to see...they just won't come. Or perhaps they are too personal. And honestly, I am a very private person. Just ask my husband. He comes to my blog just to figure out what is brewing inside this head of mine. It isn't that I don't share with him...he just knows I am not saying all that is going on with me. I am churning it. I am struggling with it. I am unsure of it. And I don't particularly like being vulnerable. I mean, who does? Well, I take that back. We all know someone whom we met only briefly and we heard their life story instantly. Um...awkward...hello. But anyway, I digress. :)
So...do you want to know something very personal about me? The biggest thing always on my mind is surrender. Waving the white flag. Saying to God, I surrender. You can have me. ALL of me. In fact, at the True Woman Conference a couple weeks ago, they handed out white hankies with the words, "Yes, Lord!" embroidered on them. We were to wave these hankies in the air anytime we felt the Lord talking to us. It was rather powerful. "Yes Lord...you can have my time. My money. My home. My marriage. My...children. My...um...well....um...urgh...ah....womb, Lord." Oh there it is. The last thing I want to give the Lord. You see, just because Keith and I have six kids does not, unfortunately, mean we have laid this fertility thing freely at His feet. You see, it wasn't until K and I were married and had two or three kids that we even entertained the idea of giving God control over our fertility. We had never even heard of such a thing. But, once we heard of it...we knew God wanted something from us. And in between there and six kids...we have given it to him...and taken it back....and given it to him and taken it back. You get the idea. It has been a wrestling match between our flesh and our spirits...or His spirit I should say. I mean, clearly all other Christians are not wrestling with this. They have their 2.5 children, seal the womb and call it finished. I am assuming (a dangerous thing to do) that they feel at peace with this. I mean, I do hear of women who woefully regret sealing their chances for more kids but I know equally as many women who don't. And I struggle with this.
"Lord, why can't I be at peace with 2.5 kids....or um...6 kids? Why do others 'get' to have closed wombs but You want me to surrender mine? I mean, come on Lord, I am not a great mom. I am not a great anything Lord. I screw this up constantly. I struggle with anger and impatience and discontent. I lack the discipline I need. I fail to respect my husband like I should. You really don't want someone like me to raise more children Lord." The answer comes back silent. I think it is as if the Lord is saying...."I have already spoken child. And I WILL NOT speak one more thing to you until you can obey Me on this one point." "REALLY LORD? Has Thou REALLY said?"
Does this sound familiar? I mean, if you are a reader of the Word at all you have seen people who from the dawn of time, literally, have questioned what the Lord CLEARLY told them. I always thought as a child that Gideon was a man of faith laying out that fleece. But he was faithless. He heard God. God was clear. But Gideon demanded a sign...two signs actually. And God, endless in forbearance, obliged. And Gideon obeyed. You see, I am no better than Gideon. I want a sign. I want more confirmation. And God sends His confirmation all the time. But I refuse to see. I am hoping for another sign. One that gives me what I want! One that allows me to have more ease. (Or so I tell myself.) But I promise, there is no ease in disobedience. Or in delayed obedience. But I must say, I am thankful for that forbearing God who waits.
So you see...just because I have six kids does not mean I am more spiritual or patient or saintly or something. My flesh is not different than yours. Having children may be a blessing but it is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The weight of this job NEVER leaves my shoulders. I mostly feel like a failure at it. I desire for my kids to know and love the Lord so mightily and the weight of that is so heavy. I want to do all that I can do to show them Christ crucified and glorified. But I am flesh. Ugly, sinful flesh. It takes a mighty Savior to save this mighty sinner. And perhaps that is it. Perhaps God can get me no other way. He wants my surrender. All of me. I still don't understand why ALL of me is so literal when for others it seems so figurative...but then again, I am a very literal person. I couldn't possibly say what God requires of anyone else when it has been such a struggle for me. All I can say is this...whatever God asks...you better do it. Um...I better do it. Yes, Lord. (Even a feeble Yes, Lord will do!)