Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The ugly truth...

If you don't want to know some of the ugliness in my heart...stop reading now. I use this blog to process life. Hopefully, by the time I get to the end of a post, I have navigated my way through some of my troubling emotions. The emotion du'jour? Jealousy. Of whom you may ask? My husband. Does that shock you? I mean, isn't everything that is his also mine? Why yes, by way of physical belongings that is so. But one of the downfalls to having only sons is that there are some precious memories getting to be made that I get to be no part of. Keith is getting ready to take Grant on his "Passport to Purity" weekend. That is a resource created by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, president and co-founders of FamilyLife whereby a parent takes a child of the same sex on a weekend getaway to discuss purity. It is a really special weekend for the parent and child. And not only does Keith get to do the first one...he gets to do all six.

And I am jealous.

There I said it....I am jealous. I constantly find myself on the end of being left out. I stay behind with the little ones while Keith takes a boy out each Saturday morning. Memories. Someday my sons will, rightfully, recount memories made on those Saturday mornings with their dad and somehow I am doubting they will turn to me and say..."and mom, you made it possible by staying behind with the rest." I mean, come' memories don't exactly work like that.

And I am jealous.

And I feel like a jerk for it. I listened to a performance by Nicole Johnson in which she talks about building monuments to the living God with our children. One of the most notable things about most of the great monuments here on earth is that no one knows who built them. And the builder wanted no credit apparently. And she says that if we do things right we will not be given credit. If we do things right, no one will notice. Because we don't serve them...we serve HIM. So I work every day around here and not only don't get credit...but feel like a jerk for wanting some. I mean, it isn't just credit. It is wanting to be included and knowing that where sons are concerned...I am not included. YES...they love me. YES...they love on me. And why not? I am the one who births them, breastfeeds them, nurses their wounds, feeds their stomachs, cuts their hair, calms their fears, and cleans their vomit. They NEED me. But one day the phone will ring and it will be them...and they will want to talk to their dad. I see it coming. Their dad will know how to fix it. He will know where to buy it. He will know right where they are coming from. And I am mom. The one who hands them over to a wife...and their dad. And a selfless woman would embrace it. She would call herself blessed. She would look forward to daughters-in-law. And again I am a jerk because frankly...I can not be comforted by the thought of daughters-in-law. They will have a mom. They will have to accept me. And my heart just doesn't feel excited or comforted at this thought. Perhaps someday I will eat these words but right now....they are eating me.

I am thinking of lots of you who have only sons. Maybe it is just one or two or three. But I am you think these same thoughts or am I just overcome with these thoughts because I have so many sons? Or I am just overcome with these thoughts because I am a jerk? And hear me say this....I want my husband to have these special moments with these sons. They deserve it. I am just jealous....


Beck Family said...

Tender feelings...a mom has for her son or in your case sons. When I get those feelings which are not exactly the same I know since I have both genders but I try to think of my place in Joseph's heart as a teacher to him for his wife. I know Joseph is learning how to treat a wife by watching how Chris treats me but I have a part in that too. I am teaching him somewhat what to expect from his wife and family. He sees me doing whatever Chris asks. He hears me say things like "we'll need to ask your Dad first, and Daddy is the leader of our home so whatever he says goes". Sometimes he talks about what he will do later in life and I will remind him that he should think about a job that would be good for providing for his family. Even at 7 he gets what I mean, he'll say I want to do this or that so he would be home to take his kids to ball games or other little things he comes up with. We are also teaching them what kind of people to be. I'm guessing their wives might thank you for expecting them to pick up after themselves and expecting them to treat others well. Your kids have work to do and don't sit idle, they will probably be that way as adults, they will get things done for their families. You may not be the person they come to when grown to fix things but they will cherish you like a gem. Joseph always says when I am old if Daddy is gone he will build a room on his house for me. I wouldn't do that to his wife but I think it is sweet that my son would even care. Your sons will be the same. You are more than just the care giver, you are a giver to their hearts in a way only a mom can be.
Love you friend. Miss you. Chelle

Anonymous said...

I can understand. With my boys they love dad time. Noah hits the road on many Saturday's with Shan to go eat at McD's and to have some little adventure. TItus cries each time...waiting for the time when he can go too. I can relate with your feelings. I know Shan also wishes he was at home many days. He misses the new things Titus says or does. He wants to help more with schooling.

I know the boys want to be like dad. When they call from grandma's or my mom's they ask for daddy. There is an age where they turn...the focus goes more to dad than mom for boys. I know God made it this way. They are looking more for a masculine know how to behave and act.

Love you M. I know it's hard. I'm sure there are things that you get to do each day that Keith would love to do too! (maybe not breastfeeding, but everything else)

Beck Family said...

Ah please forgive me for not articulating well. Absolutely the focus for boys is Dad. I was trying to bring realization that a mother has a higher value to her son than wiping his nose. I took our oldest to her "Passport to Purity" weekend a few years ago and it was special. However, my husband takes her out on dates to show her what to expect from a future date. That too is special. Daughters tend to hold expectations in choosing a husband to what their fathers model for them...good or bad. In the same way the relationship a mother has with her son is important. There is a level of the same modeling for the standard a boy should hold for his future spouse going on. That was all I meant.

ftmomma said...

Well I haven't been on your blog in so long, but here you have been blogging and I have enjoyed reading each post! I can relate with this one. Especially now as I have the prospect of another child on the horizon here - in just a few weeks I will know whether I am to be a mom of only sons (at least for now), or if I will have a daughter. It is a lot for me to think about right now and I certainly see where you are coming from. I think of whether or not there will be someone who will stick by me when I am old. I mean, a son's devotion will be with his wife, as it should be, and I will no longer be the main woman in his world. I think of that and wonder if there will be a daughter who will remain close to me in the way that moms and daughters can do. I see my boys' hearts turning more towards their dad and I am happy for that. I have such a great husband for them to have that bond with - it is wonderful. But I wonder if there will be someone who will eventually go from daddy's girl, to someone who I can share girl's night out with. Someone in the house who will eventually actually understand me as only another female can... So if these are all selfish thoughts you are not alone in thinking them! I don't honestly know how I will feel once I find out the gender of this little one. And how will I react? If I am disappointed will I be able to share that with others in a way that does not detract from my love for my sons? If I have a daughter, will I be so excited about that that my boys feel left out? These are my thoughts right now - good, bad, or ugly... there they are. Thanks for posting! It has helped me to actually put some of this down in words and that tends to help. Why I don't do it on my own blog.... who knows... :-) Love you!