So after yesterday's post I thought I should share some links with you that have helped me in a pinch! Some of my favorite sites for recipes are:
http://thepioneerwoman.com This is my favorite site for all of it features. Ree, the pioneer woman is an excellent cook. She also has a cookbook but frankly, all of her recipes are on her site! I could list you off all my faves from her site but we'd be here all day and trust me...if you try her stuff you will like it. And she goes step by step with pictures which makes it (nearly:) foolproof! First place to start is with her cinnamon rolls. I tell you, as one who feared anything with yeast and dough...it is a cinch and they are awesome for Christmas morning. I half the recipe but if you make the whole thing you can freeze them!
www.http://www.heavenlyhomemaker.com This site is my new favorite. This is a whole foods cooking site. Laura, the heavenly homemaker is a mom who uses fats, whole grains, natural sugars, and fermented foods to make her recipes. She shares recipes on how to make your own healthy dressings, breads, yogurts, kefir, etc. She shares her own meal menu each week with links to all the recipes.
http://www.thehealthyhomeeconomist.com This is also a new site to me. I found VERY helpful videos here for making lots of healthy things like kombucha, whey, cream cheese, kefir, gravy, etc. Obviously a health food site but so much to learn!
These are my favorite buying sites right now:
For coconut oil:
http://mountainroseherbs.com
This is the cheapest place to find a gallon of UNREFINED coconut oil I have found.
For bulk buying of hard white wheat for grinding:
https://www.azurestandard.com
Azure standard is a bulk buying type of co-op. You have to have a drop site in your area. If there is a site near you then you can order from them. They have LOTS of stuff at a great price!
When I think of more to share I will add them!
I wanted to also say one more thing. I read a friend's blog about how she runs and enjoys the holidays at her home. She is a mom of 8 and she has TONS of experience on running her home as smoothly as possible. For her, she LOVES to play games. So for her, an enjoyable holiday is less about hospitality and cooking and more about having FUN! I don't so much love to play games and I love to cook and plan a lovely meal. We are all different. I want to be more like my friend and enjoy life and people more and not be so caught up in the details. But, I also know that I am knit together differently. Her kids will remember wonderful times of game playing and laughter and my kids will remember cozy times of special meals and a warm atmosphere (at least I hope :). Either way...it both is actually hospitality. Both emit warmth and joy because she is doing what brings joy to her home and I do what brings joy to mine! Thankfully, we have grandparents and aunts and uncles who love games and add that element in while I am joyfully preparing a meal. And she has a grammy who loves to handle the meal! So I say all that to say, please don't read what I say and feel like you should try to fit who I am. I only share my stuff to help those who want to cultivate more cooking/baking skills or more hospitality into their company times! Ok...gotta run! Love to you all!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
My friends think of me as a good cook...good baker. I see myself as a good learner...a so-so cook and a person who loves baking. Mostly, I see where I have come from as a cook/baker. And I think it is important to encourage other women...especially young wives/mothers to become the cook they want to be. And in addition to that become the hostess you want to be. Now, I know there are those of you who have no interest in becoming a better cook or hostess...it's just not what you care about. So...this may not be for you. But, if you don't fall into that camp and you want to learn from my experience...I will share it with you...HAPPILY!
First, you have to be encouraged by where I came from. I grew up with a grandma who loved laundry and housekeeping but loathed cooking or baking of any kind. Sadly, I think she could have been good at both but by time I was around...she had firmly decided she was a terrible cook and therefore made no effort to be better. I mean, she had her standard things she made...meatloaf, chili, pork chops, and lots of frozen meals but mostly, she just loved eating out. I rarely remember her hosting company. Once a year she had her immediate family in for Christmas Eve dinner and even then she ordered a deli tray from Kroger and made boxed scalloped potaotes to go with it. In fact, the ONLY thing in that meal I remember her making from scratch was a pistachio pudding dessert. I remember being the one who loved hosting the party. I made place cards and set the table and helped clean house. I could barely contain my excitement at the tender age of probably 8 or 10. And I remember my Grammy being so happy to have my help. So I guess looking back I had no role model but I had innate desire to learn.
Fast forward to me being a newlywed. I knew how to make chicken breasts with BBQ sauce on them, stuffing from the box, and corn. We had that a lot if memory serves. But I tried a lot of recipes. Lots of failed recipes. Trouble was, given my background of little knowledge on how to cook and my present circumstances of having little money it was tough row to hoe making all this stuff we didn't like. But I didn't give up. My best avenue for finding good recipes was when I'd eat things I liked at other people's houses I ASKED FOR THE RECIPE. This is my single best piece of advice. Never be shy to ask for other people's help. If you eat something (or better yet, if your man eats something) that you like be sure to ask for a recipe or how to make it!
My second best piece of advice is something that was unheard of when I was a newlywed 17 years ago. Well, unheard of for me. You see, my second piece of advice is find a source (or several sources) online whom you trust for failproof recipes and go there often. When I was first married we didn't own a computer and the internet was still in its early years so blogs and websites were non existent or meager at best. It wasn't even until the last five years that I began really using the internet as a great resource for all kinds of recipes. Now I am a HUGE consumer of online cooking and baking tips and recipes.
So you see, I am a poser. A copycat. A fraud! :) Between asking other great cooks how they do it or looking online for answers...I hardly even create a recipe...tweak it, yes, but create it-not so much! But, perhaps that is a bigger deal than I realize. You DO need to know how to follow a recipe well. How to tweak it for your family. And how to look at a recipe and say this just won't work at all for my family. And I suppose there is an instinct to a good cook that tells her how long to bake something before it burns. Or how much spice is too much for her family. But then again, I think a lot of that instinct is learned. It is burning a few batches of cookies or rolls until you say, "OH...I need to reduce the time on that recipe!" It is making a batch of chili and having your family refuse it because of the chunks until you learn to chop everything finely so they don't see the chunks. It is a lot of failure and a lot of trying again. SO please do not label yourself a bad cook because you fail sometimes. A lot of us didn't grow up with moms who loved to cook. We had no role model. Or we chose not to learn when we had the chance! :)
As for being a better hostess, that is also learning while watching. I mean, how often do you walk into someone's home and feel warmth and welcome? Well, when you walk into that home...take notes. What is making you feel cozy? Is it candles? Is it a smell? Is it decorations or lighting or is it her warmth and charm? We have a friend who hosts parties and frankly, she is wealthier than I am so not ALL of what she is able to do am I able to replicate. But I took away a lot of ideas and made them my own. For instance, in her gorgeous home she lays out beverages in pretty pitchers and she buys the Coke in the vintage bottles and she slices fresh lemons for water. So to make that happen in my home I went to WalMart and purchased three cheap, but nice glass pitchers. No, they are not lovely crystal pitchers but they impart the same sense of hospitality. I fill one with water, one with tea, and one with lemonade. It looks a lot prettier and a lot more intentional than Rubbermaid pitchers on the counter or pointing people to the dispenser on your fridge. I also have an ice bucket and tongs. And I also employed some of those impractical items people gave me when K and I married. Things like a crystal sugar and creamer set on a little crystal tray. I now use the sugar bowl for little packets of sweetener and the tray for slices of lemons. A lemon is not expensive but it seems like you went the extra mile for your guests. I can't afford the Coke bottles but those aren't necessary to create the feeling that you prepared for your guests. Even last minute guests feel welcomed by simple touches. I light a lot little candles. I have tealights on the mantle and those are cheap. I have little glass holders and I keep candles ready to go in them so when guests are coming I can light them. Ialso have candles on my kitchen table and in sconces on my wall in the kitchen. When those are all lit the house feels cozy and warm. I stole that straight from a home where the hostess had lots of light from candles as well as little clear Christmas lights strung on her mantle and the room just glowed. I also love having a cake plate with a dome. A cake on a pedestal looks so pretty. I will even put it out just for my family. I will put muffins or quick breads sliced on it. Surprisingly, cake stands and pitchers and serving pieces can be found cheaply at WalMart or Garden Ridge. Just purchase them a little at a time. And even if none of those things are items you own or can afford to own...you can still put out dishes and clean your home and serve a nice dessert. People just like to feel like you planned for them because they were important. Hospitality is a gift that can be cultivated. Sure, some people come by it more naturally but we can all have our own brand of hospitality!
I just wanted to encourage you that I started without a good role model. My Grams has been gone for 4 years now but before she died she would tell me how amazed and proud she was of my sister and me because we had cultivated these gifts all on our own. And if I can do it...anyone can! :)
First, you have to be encouraged by where I came from. I grew up with a grandma who loved laundry and housekeeping but loathed cooking or baking of any kind. Sadly, I think she could have been good at both but by time I was around...she had firmly decided she was a terrible cook and therefore made no effort to be better. I mean, she had her standard things she made...meatloaf, chili, pork chops, and lots of frozen meals but mostly, she just loved eating out. I rarely remember her hosting company. Once a year she had her immediate family in for Christmas Eve dinner and even then she ordered a deli tray from Kroger and made boxed scalloped potaotes to go with it. In fact, the ONLY thing in that meal I remember her making from scratch was a pistachio pudding dessert. I remember being the one who loved hosting the party. I made place cards and set the table and helped clean house. I could barely contain my excitement at the tender age of probably 8 or 10. And I remember my Grammy being so happy to have my help. So I guess looking back I had no role model but I had innate desire to learn.
Fast forward to me being a newlywed. I knew how to make chicken breasts with BBQ sauce on them, stuffing from the box, and corn. We had that a lot if memory serves. But I tried a lot of recipes. Lots of failed recipes. Trouble was, given my background of little knowledge on how to cook and my present circumstances of having little money it was tough row to hoe making all this stuff we didn't like. But I didn't give up. My best avenue for finding good recipes was when I'd eat things I liked at other people's houses I ASKED FOR THE RECIPE. This is my single best piece of advice. Never be shy to ask for other people's help. If you eat something (or better yet, if your man eats something) that you like be sure to ask for a recipe or how to make it!
My second best piece of advice is something that was unheard of when I was a newlywed 17 years ago. Well, unheard of for me. You see, my second piece of advice is find a source (or several sources) online whom you trust for failproof recipes and go there often. When I was first married we didn't own a computer and the internet was still in its early years so blogs and websites were non existent or meager at best. It wasn't even until the last five years that I began really using the internet as a great resource for all kinds of recipes. Now I am a HUGE consumer of online cooking and baking tips and recipes.
So you see, I am a poser. A copycat. A fraud! :) Between asking other great cooks how they do it or looking online for answers...I hardly even create a recipe...tweak it, yes, but create it-not so much! But, perhaps that is a bigger deal than I realize. You DO need to know how to follow a recipe well. How to tweak it for your family. And how to look at a recipe and say this just won't work at all for my family. And I suppose there is an instinct to a good cook that tells her how long to bake something before it burns. Or how much spice is too much for her family. But then again, I think a lot of that instinct is learned. It is burning a few batches of cookies or rolls until you say, "OH...I need to reduce the time on that recipe!" It is making a batch of chili and having your family refuse it because of the chunks until you learn to chop everything finely so they don't see the chunks. It is a lot of failure and a lot of trying again. SO please do not label yourself a bad cook because you fail sometimes. A lot of us didn't grow up with moms who loved to cook. We had no role model. Or we chose not to learn when we had the chance! :)
As for being a better hostess, that is also learning while watching. I mean, how often do you walk into someone's home and feel warmth and welcome? Well, when you walk into that home...take notes. What is making you feel cozy? Is it candles? Is it a smell? Is it decorations or lighting or is it her warmth and charm? We have a friend who hosts parties and frankly, she is wealthier than I am so not ALL of what she is able to do am I able to replicate. But I took away a lot of ideas and made them my own. For instance, in her gorgeous home she lays out beverages in pretty pitchers and she buys the Coke in the vintage bottles and she slices fresh lemons for water. So to make that happen in my home I went to WalMart and purchased three cheap, but nice glass pitchers. No, they are not lovely crystal pitchers but they impart the same sense of hospitality. I fill one with water, one with tea, and one with lemonade. It looks a lot prettier and a lot more intentional than Rubbermaid pitchers on the counter or pointing people to the dispenser on your fridge. I also have an ice bucket and tongs. And I also employed some of those impractical items people gave me when K and I married. Things like a crystal sugar and creamer set on a little crystal tray. I now use the sugar bowl for little packets of sweetener and the tray for slices of lemons. A lemon is not expensive but it seems like you went the extra mile for your guests. I can't afford the Coke bottles but those aren't necessary to create the feeling that you prepared for your guests. Even last minute guests feel welcomed by simple touches. I light a lot little candles. I have tealights on the mantle and those are cheap. I have little glass holders and I keep candles ready to go in them so when guests are coming I can light them. Ialso have candles on my kitchen table and in sconces on my wall in the kitchen. When those are all lit the house feels cozy and warm. I stole that straight from a home where the hostess had lots of light from candles as well as little clear Christmas lights strung on her mantle and the room just glowed. I also love having a cake plate with a dome. A cake on a pedestal looks so pretty. I will even put it out just for my family. I will put muffins or quick breads sliced on it. Surprisingly, cake stands and pitchers and serving pieces can be found cheaply at WalMart or Garden Ridge. Just purchase them a little at a time. And even if none of those things are items you own or can afford to own...you can still put out dishes and clean your home and serve a nice dessert. People just like to feel like you planned for them because they were important. Hospitality is a gift that can be cultivated. Sure, some people come by it more naturally but we can all have our own brand of hospitality!
I just wanted to encourage you that I started without a good role model. My Grams has been gone for 4 years now but before she died she would tell me how amazed and proud she was of my sister and me because we had cultivated these gifts all on our own. And if I can do it...anyone can! :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Yes, Lord
There is a lot on my mind...my heart really. And it used to be when things were on my mind/heart that I would blog. But as you can see, I seldom blog anymore. I don't know why except that when I want to write out the words for you to see...they just won't come. Or perhaps they are too personal. And honestly, I am a very private person. Just ask my husband. He comes to my blog just to figure out what is brewing inside this head of mine. It isn't that I don't share with him...he just knows I am not saying all that is going on with me. I am churning it. I am struggling with it. I am unsure of it. And I don't particularly like being vulnerable. I mean, who does? Well, I take that back. We all know someone whom we met only briefly and we heard their life story instantly. Um...awkward...hello. But anyway, I digress. :)
So...do you want to know something very personal about me? The biggest thing always on my mind is surrender. Waving the white flag. Saying to God, I surrender. You can have me. ALL of me. In fact, at the True Woman Conference a couple weeks ago, they handed out white hankies with the words, "Yes, Lord!" embroidered on them. We were to wave these hankies in the air anytime we felt the Lord talking to us. It was rather powerful. "Yes Lord...you can have my time. My money. My home. My marriage. My...children. My...um...well....um...urgh...ah....womb, Lord." Oh there it is. The last thing I want to give the Lord. You see, just because Keith and I have six kids does not, unfortunately, mean we have laid this fertility thing freely at His feet. You see, it wasn't until K and I were married and had two or three kids that we even entertained the idea of giving God control over our fertility. We had never even heard of such a thing. But, once we heard of it...we knew God wanted something from us. And in between there and six kids...we have given it to him...and taken it back....and given it to him and taken it back. You get the idea. It has been a wrestling match between our flesh and our spirits...or His spirit I should say. I mean, clearly all other Christians are not wrestling with this. They have their 2.5 children, seal the womb and call it finished. I am assuming (a dangerous thing to do) that they feel at peace with this. I mean, I do hear of women who woefully regret sealing their chances for more kids but I know equally as many women who don't. And I struggle with this.
"Lord, why can't I be at peace with 2.5 kids....or um...6 kids? Why do others 'get' to have closed wombs but You want me to surrender mine? I mean, come on Lord, I am not a great mom. I am not a great anything Lord. I screw this up constantly. I struggle with anger and impatience and discontent. I lack the discipline I need. I fail to respect my husband like I should. You really don't want someone like me to raise more children Lord." The answer comes back silent. I think it is as if the Lord is saying...."I have already spoken child. And I WILL NOT speak one more thing to you until you can obey Me on this one point." "REALLY LORD? Has Thou REALLY said?"
Does this sound familiar? I mean, if you are a reader of the Word at all you have seen people who from the dawn of time, literally, have questioned what the Lord CLEARLY told them. I always thought as a child that Gideon was a man of faith laying out that fleece. But he was faithless. He heard God. God was clear. But Gideon demanded a sign...two signs actually. And God, endless in forbearance, obliged. And Gideon obeyed. You see, I am no better than Gideon. I want a sign. I want more confirmation. And God sends His confirmation all the time. But I refuse to see. I am hoping for another sign. One that gives me what I want! One that allows me to have more ease. (Or so I tell myself.) But I promise, there is no ease in disobedience. Or in delayed obedience. But I must say, I am thankful for that forbearing God who waits.
So you see...just because I have six kids does not mean I am more spiritual or patient or saintly or something. My flesh is not different than yours. Having children may be a blessing but it is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The weight of this job NEVER leaves my shoulders. I mostly feel like a failure at it. I desire for my kids to know and love the Lord so mightily and the weight of that is so heavy. I want to do all that I can do to show them Christ crucified and glorified. But I am flesh. Ugly, sinful flesh. It takes a mighty Savior to save this mighty sinner. And perhaps that is it. Perhaps God can get me no other way. He wants my surrender. All of me. I still don't understand why ALL of me is so literal when for others it seems so figurative...but then again, I am a very literal person. I couldn't possibly say what God requires of anyone else when it has been such a struggle for me. All I can say is this...whatever God asks...you better do it. Um...I better do it. Yes, Lord. (Even a feeble Yes, Lord will do!)
So...do you want to know something very personal about me? The biggest thing always on my mind is surrender. Waving the white flag. Saying to God, I surrender. You can have me. ALL of me. In fact, at the True Woman Conference a couple weeks ago, they handed out white hankies with the words, "Yes, Lord!" embroidered on them. We were to wave these hankies in the air anytime we felt the Lord talking to us. It was rather powerful. "Yes Lord...you can have my time. My money. My home. My marriage. My...children. My...um...well....um...urgh...ah....womb, Lord." Oh there it is. The last thing I want to give the Lord. You see, just because Keith and I have six kids does not, unfortunately, mean we have laid this fertility thing freely at His feet. You see, it wasn't until K and I were married and had two or three kids that we even entertained the idea of giving God control over our fertility. We had never even heard of such a thing. But, once we heard of it...we knew God wanted something from us. And in between there and six kids...we have given it to him...and taken it back....and given it to him and taken it back. You get the idea. It has been a wrestling match between our flesh and our spirits...or His spirit I should say. I mean, clearly all other Christians are not wrestling with this. They have their 2.5 children, seal the womb and call it finished. I am assuming (a dangerous thing to do) that they feel at peace with this. I mean, I do hear of women who woefully regret sealing their chances for more kids but I know equally as many women who don't. And I struggle with this.
"Lord, why can't I be at peace with 2.5 kids....or um...6 kids? Why do others 'get' to have closed wombs but You want me to surrender mine? I mean, come on Lord, I am not a great mom. I am not a great anything Lord. I screw this up constantly. I struggle with anger and impatience and discontent. I lack the discipline I need. I fail to respect my husband like I should. You really don't want someone like me to raise more children Lord." The answer comes back silent. I think it is as if the Lord is saying...."I have already spoken child. And I WILL NOT speak one more thing to you until you can obey Me on this one point." "REALLY LORD? Has Thou REALLY said?"
Does this sound familiar? I mean, if you are a reader of the Word at all you have seen people who from the dawn of time, literally, have questioned what the Lord CLEARLY told them. I always thought as a child that Gideon was a man of faith laying out that fleece. But he was faithless. He heard God. God was clear. But Gideon demanded a sign...two signs actually. And God, endless in forbearance, obliged. And Gideon obeyed. You see, I am no better than Gideon. I want a sign. I want more confirmation. And God sends His confirmation all the time. But I refuse to see. I am hoping for another sign. One that gives me what I want! One that allows me to have more ease. (Or so I tell myself.) But I promise, there is no ease in disobedience. Or in delayed obedience. But I must say, I am thankful for that forbearing God who waits.
So you see...just because I have six kids does not mean I am more spiritual or patient or saintly or something. My flesh is not different than yours. Having children may be a blessing but it is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. The weight of this job NEVER leaves my shoulders. I mostly feel like a failure at it. I desire for my kids to know and love the Lord so mightily and the weight of that is so heavy. I want to do all that I can do to show them Christ crucified and glorified. But I am flesh. Ugly, sinful flesh. It takes a mighty Savior to save this mighty sinner. And perhaps that is it. Perhaps God can get me no other way. He wants my surrender. All of me. I still don't understand why ALL of me is so literal when for others it seems so figurative...but then again, I am a very literal person. I couldn't possibly say what God requires of anyone else when it has been such a struggle for me. All I can say is this...whatever God asks...you better do it. Um...I better do it. Yes, Lord. (Even a feeble Yes, Lord will do!)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Perhaps if you don't have many children you will not relate to what I am about to say. Goodness knows if I hadn't had more than four I would have never known. It isn't about the number of children...in my case it just took having the fifth child to discover it. What is it? The strong-willed child...the stubborn child...the pain in the neck child...whom you love...but whom pushes you every day until you feel you just may jump. My sweet little Gannon is FULL of life. I mean FULL! In fact, I am pretty sure he sucks some of my life out of me and into him simply upon taking his first breath of the day...at 6am. Not every day...but most days I see his adorable smiling face sometime before 7am...which is wrong on so many levels but not the least of which is the fact that I am nowhere near ready to deal with him until say, oh...8am....or noon.
Here's the thing. I know God brought Gannon to me to refine me. And I hate it. Yep. I hate it. I mean, I love Gannon. I just don't appreciate the DAILY, CONSTANT pounding to my character that it takes to raise him. Most days I feel he definitely beats me to the finish line and soundly does his victory dance all over my face. How is that for a word picture? But that is how I feel...beat down. Starting my day with him so early and him taking a pitifully short nap now means by 8pm...I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and declare the day done. This isn't exactly healthy for my marriage. I mean, Keith would like to find more than a bedraggled shell of a woman when he gets home. Thankfully he extends grace upon grace for me there. And thankfully I am involved in two Bible studies right now that get me out of the house twice a week. (One of those was a four week study that is ending on Wednesday lest you think I double book myself on a regular occasion. Far from it. The other study is ongoing and I am so thankful for it. Because if I don't have a reason on the books to escape it doesn't happen. But I digress....)
I share this with you to say this...I am struggling. Struggling to have a deep thought. Struggling to have energy or discipline. Struggling to have anything to say to anyone...let alone the Lord. I mean, I feel tapped out. Nothing to offer. And I feel defeated. And that is not to say it is all this child's fault. Of course not. Throw in five other kids...one of whom is a one year old...need I say more?...and there are LOTS of reasons I have lost my marbles! I push forward. I get up each morning and exercise. I stay involved in studying the Bible. I am loving our church. My marriage is wonderful. But every day finds me empty. Perhaps that is good? Empty of myself? Room for the Lord to fill me up? Am I asking Him to fill me up? I guess I need to arise earlier than normal (ugh...like 5:30ish) to beg His mercies and grace for the day ahead. I have MANY more days ahead with this child...I don't think this is the terrible threes...I mean, he was a terrible one and a terrible two...I have a feeling the terrible fours are ahead. I don't mean to label him with doom it's just that given his personality and the way he interacts with his siblings...there ain't no sign of relief ahead. And I have to navigate the one year old and two year old waters that are here and ahead and believe me when I tell you...that alone can push me to the edge. SO more time spent on my face pleading for supernatural energy and grace is probably not too much to aim for. And in the mean time...there is life to be lived. And I'd like to stop wishing it away. I'd like to stop be discontented with the present. I'd like to finish each day spent...but not weary. And if any of that is going to happen...God is going to have to show up. And I am going to have to beg Him to. Not that He needs begging...just that my desperation is to that point. Parenting is so hard. It has been since we had our first son. Seriously. It was so hard with just one. And it is so hard now. And believe me...the reality that we could have had our "proverbial" 2.5 children and we'd be avoiding this conversation altogether is not lost on me. But lest you throw that thought my way and get shot the "I might kill you" look...let me say this...the answer to the problems we have in life is NOT wishing we'd done it differently. Because especially in this area...God had all the say. He wanted these boys. I obeyed. It really is that simple. You can mingle in all of your arguments for birth control and such elsewhere but for us...this was obedience. And with the obedience has come WORK. We are constantly shaped and molded and refined and the sludge keeps surfacing. God intended this. So it does me NO GOOD to say, "If only I had less kids, if only I didn't homeschool, if only we weren't missionary staff, if only _____." No matter what life looked like...it'd be HARD. We can't be more like Jesus on the easy path. Narrow is the way which leads to life. I want life. So I get the hard stuff. Now Lord, could You just breathe back into my spirit more of Yours? Thanks...I needed that!
Here's the thing. I know God brought Gannon to me to refine me. And I hate it. Yep. I hate it. I mean, I love Gannon. I just don't appreciate the DAILY, CONSTANT pounding to my character that it takes to raise him. Most days I feel he definitely beats me to the finish line and soundly does his victory dance all over my face. How is that for a word picture? But that is how I feel...beat down. Starting my day with him so early and him taking a pitifully short nap now means by 8pm...I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and declare the day done. This isn't exactly healthy for my marriage. I mean, Keith would like to find more than a bedraggled shell of a woman when he gets home. Thankfully he extends grace upon grace for me there. And thankfully I am involved in two Bible studies right now that get me out of the house twice a week. (One of those was a four week study that is ending on Wednesday lest you think I double book myself on a regular occasion. Far from it. The other study is ongoing and I am so thankful for it. Because if I don't have a reason on the books to escape it doesn't happen. But I digress....)
I share this with you to say this...I am struggling. Struggling to have a deep thought. Struggling to have energy or discipline. Struggling to have anything to say to anyone...let alone the Lord. I mean, I feel tapped out. Nothing to offer. And I feel defeated. And that is not to say it is all this child's fault. Of course not. Throw in five other kids...one of whom is a one year old...need I say more?...and there are LOTS of reasons I have lost my marbles! I push forward. I get up each morning and exercise. I stay involved in studying the Bible. I am loving our church. My marriage is wonderful. But every day finds me empty. Perhaps that is good? Empty of myself? Room for the Lord to fill me up? Am I asking Him to fill me up? I guess I need to arise earlier than normal (ugh...like 5:30ish) to beg His mercies and grace for the day ahead. I have MANY more days ahead with this child...I don't think this is the terrible threes...I mean, he was a terrible one and a terrible two...I have a feeling the terrible fours are ahead. I don't mean to label him with doom it's just that given his personality and the way he interacts with his siblings...there ain't no sign of relief ahead. And I have to navigate the one year old and two year old waters that are here and ahead and believe me when I tell you...that alone can push me to the edge. SO more time spent on my face pleading for supernatural energy and grace is probably not too much to aim for. And in the mean time...there is life to be lived. And I'd like to stop wishing it away. I'd like to stop be discontented with the present. I'd like to finish each day spent...but not weary. And if any of that is going to happen...God is going to have to show up. And I am going to have to beg Him to. Not that He needs begging...just that my desperation is to that point. Parenting is so hard. It has been since we had our first son. Seriously. It was so hard with just one. And it is so hard now. And believe me...the reality that we could have had our "proverbial" 2.5 children and we'd be avoiding this conversation altogether is not lost on me. But lest you throw that thought my way and get shot the "I might kill you" look...let me say this...the answer to the problems we have in life is NOT wishing we'd done it differently. Because especially in this area...God had all the say. He wanted these boys. I obeyed. It really is that simple. You can mingle in all of your arguments for birth control and such elsewhere but for us...this was obedience. And with the obedience has come WORK. We are constantly shaped and molded and refined and the sludge keeps surfacing. God intended this. So it does me NO GOOD to say, "If only I had less kids, if only I didn't homeschool, if only we weren't missionary staff, if only _____." No matter what life looked like...it'd be HARD. We can't be more like Jesus on the easy path. Narrow is the way which leads to life. I want life. So I get the hard stuff. Now Lord, could You just breathe back into my spirit more of Yours? Thanks...I needed that!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Somewhere along the line I seem to have abandoned this blog. Not mentally, but physically. Because you see, I think of this blog all the time and am even moved on occasion to write. But then I don't. Either I sit down to the keyboard and type and then promptly delete it entirely or the words just never even come out. I realized along the way that when I am upset, sad, tired, frustrated or angry...I blog. Writing is cathartic for me...it always has been. And there is nothing wrong with that except that so seldom am I moved to write when life is good! And life is OFTEN (in fact, more often than NOT) good. Unquenchable, overflowing, out of bounds GOOD! I have written blogs about good things and happy days it's just that given my natural bent, those blog entries are probably fewer than the ones that express some thorn in my flesh. OR at least they WOULD be far less if I actually gave in and blogged every time I wanted to mention those thorns. Therein lies the reason I set blogging aside. For some of you, this is all you know of me...my blog. For others, you know me better than that but aren't in my life on a daily basis to know that my frustrated days do not define my life. So I don't want to only blog about the bad days because I never want to dishonor the Lord or my family by making it seem as if I am an unhappy person. And I had to leave behind the joy of daily blogging about just ordinary days and such because life just doesn't allow me that kind of time in this season of life!
SO...until I felt moved to blog about a HAPPY thing, I chose not to blog! Believe me, these past few months have been more hard than happy but when God puts a happy ending on things...as He usually does, it hardly matters what all those hard days were about! His faithfulness to me and to my family is nothing short of amazing. Awe inspiring even!
One reason that I like to write when I am struggling is because I know there is always a chance you, my reader, are struggling in that area too. I am a BIG believer in sharing our sufferings. They are so much less powerful when shared. The minute I open my mouth to a friend or a group of friends and share a struggle and someone in that group says, "me too..." I am somehow healed through that. Companionship in suffering. Knowing that Satan can no longer condemn me by saying, "you are a mess and no one else is as messed up as you." He is immediately silenced by the truth that my sin, my struggle is common. And sometimes common feels downright wonderful! But I tread a fine line when all I do is share my struggles or sufferings. Pretty soon....I look miserable and unhappy. I look a little too real, if that is possible. People are always making judgements. If I say I am tired (or if, heaven forbid, I LOOK tired) people pity me and say, "Her life is wearing her out poor thing." If I talk about how my husband and I are struggling or my kids make me nuts...before you know it people have surmised that my marriage is failing and I must have too many children because I cannot handle them. SO while I seek to be real...I must remember that REAL people are reading this and summing me up. And I want my sum total to be JOY! Paul says rejoice in any situation no matter the circumstances. I will therefore try to balance the sharing of struggles (because I still feel that matters) with the sharing of JOY! I do have both and if I am growing in the Lord...I will have them simultaneously!
Let's face it though...motherhood is HARD WORK! And trying to keep my physical body in check is a HARD thing. And being a wife is a HARD thing. And loving the Lord the way I want to love Him and know Him can be HARD work...well, hard in the sense that it requires time and discipline, like any other relationship I care to nurture. But the Lord sweetly sent me these words this week that He spoke to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 30:11 (oh please go and read the whole chapter...it is so good):
SO...until I felt moved to blog about a HAPPY thing, I chose not to blog! Believe me, these past few months have been more hard than happy but when God puts a happy ending on things...as He usually does, it hardly matters what all those hard days were about! His faithfulness to me and to my family is nothing short of amazing. Awe inspiring even!
One reason that I like to write when I am struggling is because I know there is always a chance you, my reader, are struggling in that area too. I am a BIG believer in sharing our sufferings. They are so much less powerful when shared. The minute I open my mouth to a friend or a group of friends and share a struggle and someone in that group says, "me too..." I am somehow healed through that. Companionship in suffering. Knowing that Satan can no longer condemn me by saying, "you are a mess and no one else is as messed up as you." He is immediately silenced by the truth that my sin, my struggle is common. And sometimes common feels downright wonderful! But I tread a fine line when all I do is share my struggles or sufferings. Pretty soon....I look miserable and unhappy. I look a little too real, if that is possible. People are always making judgements. If I say I am tired (or if, heaven forbid, I LOOK tired) people pity me and say, "Her life is wearing her out poor thing." If I talk about how my husband and I are struggling or my kids make me nuts...before you know it people have surmised that my marriage is failing and I must have too many children because I cannot handle them. SO while I seek to be real...I must remember that REAL people are reading this and summing me up. And I want my sum total to be JOY! Paul says rejoice in any situation no matter the circumstances. I will therefore try to balance the sharing of struggles (because I still feel that matters) with the sharing of JOY! I do have both and if I am growing in the Lord...I will have them simultaneously!
Let's face it though...motherhood is HARD WORK! And trying to keep my physical body in check is a HARD thing. And being a wife is a HARD thing. And loving the Lord the way I want to love Him and know Him can be HARD work...well, hard in the sense that it requires time and discipline, like any other relationship I care to nurture. But the Lord sweetly sent me these words this week that He spoke to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 30:11 (oh please go and read the whole chapter...it is so good):
"For this commandment which I command to you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach."
And I was reminded by Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for His Highest" (which I LOVE and highly recommend):
"If you make a god out of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life, never to return until you are obedient in the work He has placed closest to you, and until you have learned not to be obsessed with those exceptional moments He has given you."(emphasis mine)
In other words, or in MY words I should say, if I focus on those times when I felt so near to God and so fresh with His calling and I neglect or worse, despise the work He has placed closest to me (my family), He will be gone from my life. Not as in salvation...but as in doing any new thing. Chambers is SO good to remind me that the "drudgery," as he calls it, of my life is the place where God is making me and molding me to be like Him. The mountain top is refreshment but it is NOT the gift of my life. My life is His gift. SO...that is where I am right now. Learning to complain less and embrace more. What I do is hard. But I can think of no other earthly thing at which I'd rather be working so hard. God bless you as you work hard too! ~M.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
If I had my child to raise all over again I'd build self-esteem first and a house later. I'd finger paint more and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging. Diane Loomans
This was posted on a friend's facebook status yesterday. And I have to admit, my first thought was, "Yeah, right." I find that quite often this advice from those who have passed through the young years of motherhood frustrates rather than encourages me. Here's why. Here in the midst of the trenches...the days and hours feel LONG despite being told a THOUSAND times by well meaning women that, "it flies by." I mean, I KNOW how quickly it is passing in reality. My baby is a teenager and I swear it feels like a blink. But back in the day when he was my only baby and I was walking the floor with him and crying because neither he nor I were getting any sleep, I did not need the, "Enjoy this, it flies by" speech. I needed the, "Can I come help you today?" speech. And when I read the poem above I find myself cynically saying I KNOW I should spend more time enjoying life but WHO will do the laundry, or school the kids, or clean the messes, or give baths, or run errands, or pay the bills...do I need to go on? I mean, I need to stop and smell the roses but the stench coming from the bathroom seems to pervade my senses instead!
I guess what I am saying falls into two categories. ONE: I DO need to heed this advice. I gave it some real thinking yesterday. Even though it chokes me to hear it now...I know that one day the house will be quiet and will stay clean. Some day I will go back to doing laundry once or twice a week. Some day there will be no handprints on the door and no toys scattered everywhere. And I WILL say, "I miss it, where did the days go?" Maybe that is what makes me the craziest. I know they are RIGHT! I will miss it. I will long to have little arms squeeze my neck. Or a little four year old who walks through the room on his way to somewhere else and says, "I love you mom" for no reason other than he does! I don't think I will miss the messes. I gotta be honest. I know the messes represent people and life...but I think I will miss the people...not the messes. And with so many children...I expect to have MANY messes from little grandchildren. SO after contemplating it at length yesterday I realized it would take a concerted effort for me to put down my work and enjoy life more. I would need to pass by a mess and a pile of laundry and say..."Not today...today I am playing with my kids." You see, I am a worker. I enjoy a clean home. I NEED order. But, I need to enjoy my life. I need to laugh. I need to stay in my jammies all day. I need to run outside and play on the trampoline. I need to pack a picnic and take my kids out of here. Order is over rated and a tool satan uses to keep me miserable. SO, let me heed the advice.
But secondly, when I get this type of knowing advice from a seasoned mom what I really want to say is this...HELP ME! Don't tell me how I will miss it. Remember with me how hard it is. Remember with me how trying the days are. And though you may know more than me and maybe you are right...it really doesn't minister much to me when I am in the trenches. I am hoping that when I have daughters in laws someday that I can say to them, "How can I help?" so that I can ease their days. Some day they WILL miss it but on that day...they just need a break.
But for today....with a house FULL of children and messes...I am going to PLAY! And LAUGH! And find my joy again! Because, some day...I will wish I did! And I do not like regret!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Some days you want to kick the cat...and today is one of them
Sometimes when you write a blog it is so terribly easy and tempting to make everything in your life seem so good, so wise, so godly. It happens quite innocently actually. You only feel like blogging when life is good. OR maybe you feel like blogging when life stinks royally but you refrain so as not to come off sounding...um...sinful. Which ain't all that bad of a thing...not wanting to be sinful and all. :) But then there are days where:
- the stomach flu has visited your family for the second time in three weeks. And the second time it hit twice as hard and dirtied twice as many sheets.
- and when said stomach flu came through the second time and your carelessly placed bottle of Clorox Clean-up...yeah, the stuff with the real bleach in it- gets picked up by your two year old. And that two year old takes it and sprays the entire bathroom vanity and mirror and his clothes with it in the process. And then takes it in his bedroom and sprays his dresser with it....which happens to have a drawer cracked open and he ruins at least 4 articles of clothing. And to add insult to injury....your seven year old WATCHED it all unfold.
- your husband has been gone for five days and you barely slept at night thanks to the aforementioned stomach flu and the fact that you don't feel safe in your own home when he is gone.
- homeschooling your children makes you crazy. Being responsible for yet one more aspect of their health and well being makes you want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
- you can hear all of your children sniffling, signaling a round of colds coming to the family.
- you can barely afford to put gas in your van or buy the groceries you need after you pay the bills...let alone pay a sitter or go out on a date so that you can maintain some form of sanity and relationship with your husband.
- the stomach flu made it so you can't go to your financial class so that you can have enough money to pay your bills AND buy groceries and gas.
- you have been away with your husband overnight once in five years and that reality alone makes you want to run away.
- you have lived in a place for five years and still are visiting churches. And now when you think of Sunday you get a giant knot in your stomach instead of that joy you used to have.
- doing the same drudgery seems like it just might kill you.
- you think, "this is NOT the life I signed up for."
- you put your kids to bed and feel you FAILED...capital F. You yelled, you pouted, you slammed things....you acted...sinful.
- you failed at your diet AGAIN.
- and you wake up the next day...and there it all is...again.
SO, you see....some days...STINK. Some WEEKS stink. And I could end this blog with the up note...you know, the one where spirituality shows up and reminds you how you will miss this someday (BLEH...I will NOT miss some of this) or how God is so good or how blessed you are to have such a great family. But, some days...you want to kick the cat. And that's how today feels.
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